How is trust born in a relationship?

Is trust something you gain or something you get? Why do some people inspire trust quite easily, while others sharpen our vigilance with their attitude? A sense of trust is made up of several elements. Certain information we can consciously process and analyse. A simple example: a partner assured us that he would spend the evening at work, but… he was seen in a pub. In such a situation, it is easy for us to conclude that a loved one has been untruthful, but their motives still remain unknown. However, even an innocent lie can cause a crisis of trust in a relationship. When we catch an inconsistency, our sense of security can be shaken. Sometimes a crisis of trust occurs due to unconscious and automatic processing of information. The other person may not give clear reasons to stop trusting you, but you can sense under the skin that ‘something is not right’. In such situations, intuition comes into play. It is simply the automatic processing of various pieces of information on a subconscious level and comparing them with known patterns. Avoiding conversations, answering in half-words or receiving mysterious phone calls late at night – all of this can disturb the peace of mind and suggest that the loved one is hiding something. Their behaviour becomes a source of distrust and emotional distance.

How to respond to a crisis of trust in a relationship?

When we perceive a change in the perceived level of trust, we should not wait to clarify our doubts, lest, over time, the distrust grows to gigantic proportions and leads to the end of the relationship. When you notice that your partner is hiding something from you, try to talk about it. Very often, open, non-attacking communication solves many problems, when a lack of trust in the relationship can only add to them.

Why is it good to dose trust at the beginning of a relationship?

The beginning of a relationship is a time when it is useful to observe your partner’s reactions to your attempt to build a close relationship. Does the other person declare a commitment and make loving confessions? Sometimes, despite this, our alarm bells go off. For example, when one party wants to see each other regularly and the other talks about emotions, but prefers to date once a month. This is a sign that the contribution to the relationship is unequal and alerts us to a lack of symmetry. The first person cares much more than the second, who only needs occasional contact. Another example would be when you have been in a relationship for some time and want to get to know your partner’s family and friends. When the other person firmly refuses to organise a get-together without giving a credible argument, it is worth being vigilant. Dosing trust in a relationship is sometimes advisable and can save us from investing in a relationship without a future.

How does distrust hinder relationship building?

There are situations in which it is advisable to maintain limited trust for your own safety. Sometimes it is better to take a healthy distance, especially when the other person is keeping a lot of secrets and you have the feeling that you don’t know anything about them, while, for example, they want to move in together or… ask for a loan. Let us emphasise that neither credulity nor excessive distrust is advisable. Lack of trust in a relationship makes it difficult to build relationships. If we assume that others have impure intentions, we can destroy further relationships through our unjustified suspicion. Note that distrust can be compounded by our environment, which sends negative messages about the world and other people. The proverbial overprotective mother who warns of potential dangers lurking everywhere, a friend who has had bad experiences with men or the media who warns of matrimonial fraud can sow the seeds of insecurity. This reduces the feeling of trust and makes it more difficult to build close relationships.


What does trust give us in a relationship?
– It allows us to be open,
– it allows us to turn a blind eye to our partner’s shortcomings,
– trust allows us to reduce conflict in a relationship and forgive stumbling blocks more easily.

Lack of trust in a relationship results in:
– reduced intimacy in the relationship,
– withdrawal from the relationship,
– insecurity and doubts about the relationship,
– increased tension and anxiety,
– feelings of loneliness.

How does the caregiver relationship affect trust in a relationship?

Trust in a relationship allows you to open up to the other person, to entrust him or her with your problems. But also to take an interest in his or her experiences. All this fosters the building of a close relationship. For such trust to be possible, we need a basis for building a secure relationship.
In psychology, a distinction is made between primary trust, which is formed in early childhood in the relationship with caregivers. For many people, the most important attachment figure is the mother. The young child remains completely dependent on her for a period when he or she is incapable of surviving independently. Optimal conditions for emotional development are observed when the mother shows responsiveness. This means that she recognises her child’s needs and responds to them with empathy. Her attitude generates an initial trust, which constitutes valuable psychological capital, i.e. our basis for future relationships. Sometimes the mother, or other important caregiver, hardly ever or not at all tunes in to the toddler. The child’s needs remain unmet. In this way, a primal distrust is formed, which in adulthood results in the conviction that people should be watched out for, as they may inflict pain or disappoint the hopes placed in them.